What I mean when I say sex scene

I write erotic romance. I mostly write about and for people who are queer, disabled, somehow different than the mainstream in the US. The erotic part of erotic romance of course refers to sexual activity; I’ve thought about and sometimes do just say that I write romance because I include asexual characters. Beyond asexuality and friendships, whether that be queer platonic or other/opposite gender, the variety of interactions that I write can leave some people confused or concerned when I say that I’m writing a sex scene. For instance, I said I was writing a “sex scene” while working on an ageplay romance, and my friend who didn’t read ageplay imagined a disturbing image at what I said; ageplay is about roleplay between consenting adults.

When I was considering this blog post, I thought of seven categories of activities that I could mean when saying “sex scene.”

• Solo, with or without sex toys, with or without pornography or erotica.
  

It was this category I was writing in that led me to think about this post. My current WIP includes a main character who is a transgender woman learning to connect with her body as she transitions from assigned male to her understanding of womanhood.

• Non-penetrative sex or outercourse. 
  

This is a category I most enjoy writing. As far as I know, outercourse is a newer term to catch things like dry humping, oral to any type of genital or even anal, even genitals being rubbing between parts of another’s body. Reading wikipedia’s article about non-penetrative sex, I was interested to see they include mutual masturbation in this category, something that I hadn’t done in the first draft of this post.

I believe it is important to move away from the idea of foreplay and penetrative intercourse as this can make the cishet-normative active of penis-in-vagina as the default. While it can lead to penetrative intercourse, even if just including fingers or toys, it doesn't always. Especially in my stories. Further my therapist who includes sex therapy and her practice questions the idea of non-penetrative since it would seem that what I read and what she assumed, penetration was only thinking about penises.

An example of this in my current WIP is where Zoe enjoys using her mouth on her girlfriend Amygdala's girl penis. 

• Penetrative partnered sex.
  

I consider this to include penis or midpoint clitorophallus into vaginal (or another term for the anatomical orifice if the person is uncomfortable with the term vagina), mouth, or anus. With Amygdala and Zoe, I’ve considered lots of these words. At this point in my writing, they haven’t had penetrative patterned sex. So I haven’t thought if Amygdala is comfortable with the word vagina, although girl penis is her preference for her large clitoris. Zoe on the other hand has serious bottom dysphoria and prefers to call her penis a “ferret.”

While I do not have first hand experience, this also includes, in my opinion, the activity referred to as muffing in which a transgender woman who has not undergone vaginoplasty can be penetrated in the inguinal canal.

• General BDSM scene that focuses on BDSM activity other than ageplay.
  

It fits to mention here that not all people into BDSM nor ageplayers consider themselves to be in community although I do. While some include BDSM in non-penetrative sex, for my purposes, it makes more sense to think of it separately; I don’t always have BDSM activities lead to sexual intercourse.
 

• Verbal domination whether in person or using technology.
  

While this could lead to a physical BDSM interaction or scene, it might stay in the realm of technology and be limited because of that. Although those engaged in the activity may not consider the use of technology to be a limitation. For example I think of another work in progress where a person who has issues with speaking with their mouth, will dominate their submissive using a text to speech program.

• Ageplay scene that is somehow focused on bodily interactions.
  

This could be anything from punishment if that is part of the dynamic that I'm writing to something like a bath or even where my characters engage in sexuality outside of their roles. My preference in writing is to always have my characters outside of their caregiver or regressed role for sexuality or sexual activity.

• General sexuality mediated by the use of technology.
  

I was laughing with a friend that I didn’t know what to write here, but I think that’s mostly because I haven’t written anything that would fit here in awhile. I can imagine a variety of things though- using text, audio, or video to engage in sexual conversation. This could range from texting a loved one to using a phone sex line. I enjoy writing long distance relationships and appreciate showing satisfying intimacy that doesn't require physical proximity.

I’m trying to think how Amygdala and Zoe might start using technology to increase non-ageplay closeness that is less dysphoric for Zoe. Any thoughts?

I do wonder about how my wide use of the phrase "sex scene" came to be as it wasn't completely intentional. That said, in addition to moving away from cishet-normativity, it works great for me to enjoy the enormity of what I find sexy and sensual.