I lost my way. Seriously... study and learning and sleeping and... writing? I'm still reading and writing but it's slow going. While I have privilege and personality that's made this pandemic less difficult in many ways for me. My sweet emotional support dog, Honey sleeping in her bed in my room in the picture below, has very much enjoyed me on the couch, whether I'm being productive or not.

A few weeks ago (link here) I shared a portion of the page long "trigger warning" or "context description," as I prefer for "Vala: Out of Night" (that would be a different title than "Out of the Night: Book One" that I'm pondering. So today, I'm going to continue in difference and share with you a brand new blurb that is still in process. And yeah, obviously I'm doing some things different- like "triggering material" rather than "trigger warning"- I have my reasons.

Before that, I want to share some developments on Vala's Story. Beyond the rewrites- which are finished with me until BRs have comments through book 3- I've also found a new cover artist. While I'll be engaged in Camp Nano writing in a few days, I do hope to see about getting the first book- "Out of the Night: Book One" or "Vala: Out of Night"- what's your opinion?

Night controls and limits Mearr in many ways, but a gorgeous man and a name change helps Vala escape into happiness. The Queen introduces her to his family of submissives or slaves, as they each prefer to be called. Eighteen people, of whom she only meets two at first. Can she find her way in her new multi-racial family?

The Queen guides Vala into his family with love, affection, and BDSM. While Abrecan puts a bump into the road of The Queen's plans for Vala, the other adults in the family are ready to help. She makes a fast and deep connection especially with Iona, the beautiful Grecian woman who is parenting with The Queen. Can Vala become lover, partner, submissive, everything The Queen needs?

Simon and Tommy support The Queen in bringing in Vala from the beginning, even before her new name. Maybe not Abrecan, but everyone else waits patiently to welcome Vala into their love. Men and women, even a non-binary person not yet ready to come out, are so ready to love her. Can they help guide her into a better service to The Queen, a better love to the family?

Triggering material: There's enough complex stuff to warrant a whole page on the topic, but I'll summarize here. Multiple genders in multiple types of sexual and BDSM activity, interracial and polyamorous relationships, use of "slave" in a consensual BDSM context, upsetting character backstories that include everything from rape and incest to mentions of domestic abuse and racism.

so maybe reading this talk by Laura Antoniou all day long between sleeps was a silly idea- yes, Laura has made her way into my dreams :D. Although it does prove a lovely lack of ageism on my part- if I did my math (4 years ago when I originally wrote this) right Laura is 50 to my 35 and my first comment on seeing her author photo was "damn, she's hot!" I first came across this talk's transcript when I was researching "Safe, sane, consensual" or SSC. I first made my way to slave david stein's website, he who is most often credited with SSC because I found he'd written an article about the history of the phrase as well as how he doesn't agree with how it's come to be used in too many part of the BDSM community. So Laura's talk- and no, I hadn't read any of her Marketplace series yet when I read this, although I'm working on the first one now- was a fresh breath of air for me.

But rather than babble on anymore, I'm going to tell you to go click on the clickable link "talk," read Laura's talk, then check out these 2 links I'm going to give you. And please do come back and chat with me. I'd be fascinated to chat with anyone else who feels invigorated by what Laura had to say back in 1995.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Laura-Antoniou-The-Marketplace-Series/49497392422?fref=ts

http://www.amazon.com/The-Marketplace-Book-Series-ebook/dp/B003UV989U/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1365207149&sr=1-1&keywords=marketplace

As I write this on Monday- I'd been debating what to blog on Tuesday, what to do in this scene I'm rewriting in "Gates of the Garden: Book Two"- twofold problem, 1) Plot lines mentioned originally had been removed and 2) Activity sandwiching the scene had the original scene being too short. I'm doing a lot of heavy work with "What would The Queen talk openly with Vala about and what wouldn't he?" And as I finish one coupling of The Queen asks-Vala answers, I find myself doubting the next couple. I played the scene in Balabolka and found it to be about 5 minutes; I'm still unsure if that's too short. I talk about the writing a little bit more in my vlog.

I want to ask opinions and I don't. Not just my main BR, but other author friends. I'm not sure what to snippet, who to ask, whose opinions I'd really appreciate and be able to use. But then I've also thought- what about all my talk in UU Lent about my virtual family, as I see The Queen and all of his? Maybe I'm not in touch with the characters enough and that's why I'm struggling? But that begs the question of what do I do to get more in touch with them.

Of course, I was feeling ranty- "what to blog"- but the rant ended up going in my vlog.

I sometimes wonder if there is some difficult intersections of things in my head, too many priorities and that causes the self doubt in my writing. Like "what would a good dom do/not do?" "Am I making Vala seem transphobic?" Social justice learning I've done since I first started the Vala's Story project was a huge piece of this rewrite.

Eventually I'll need to look at the original (currently published) copy of "Gates of the Garden: Book Two" to see what's left, what else I need to cobble into the book. Then it will be on to reshaping "Skipping Down the Primrose Path: Book Three" if I don't work on one of my other WIPs. I'm also thinking ahead to May (National Masturbation Month for which Kayla at Masturbation Monday has special contests and inspiration pictures arranged).

For the moment though, I am grateful that an author friend tagged me for a writing sprint on Facebook so having said my thoughts here, I'll go back to Gates and see if I can power through some writing without so much self doubt. First Rammstein though- maybe German music will convince The Queen to speak with me.

When I first wrote what I'm reblogging today, I was just not okay. Overwhelmed and not doing any of the work I was supposed to be doing. So The Queen and Tommy came to talk. I just let it roll, rather than trying to talk them into pretending we were talking Thursday night or Friday morning (which is what it should have been orginally).
---Come here, Joelle. Lay your head on my lap. You know it is not cheating, since you have put so much of your Master into my character and I am only fictional anyway. The Queen pats his lap.
I look at The Queen's lap and then the whole of him as he makes the little brown couch look all that much smaller. Of course you are right. Should I bounce ahead in the Vala's Story serial, do some reading and just not share the details with Annikka, of later books that she's not close to reading yet? Although it might be fun to read some of Sklavimuth on the way there. I don't know. Reading "Week-long" the other day helped, but I'm just overwhelmed today. I'm not even writing what I should be, instead sitting here talking with you and Tommy.

Tommy takes my hand and pulls me toward the couch. His gentle hands urge me onto the couch, pushing me half-way onto The Queen's lap before sitting on the other side of me. Maybe Placebo isn't the band you should be listening to?

Well if not Placebo, who do recommend then, Tommy? I'm not sure if "angry" is necessarily better. So is Me'Shell NdegeOcello better?

Tommy snorts. Maybe if you spend some time later with Mandisa, Jinny, and Chitra. Their story, I mean.

Joelle, why are you writing this conversation rather than getting "Night" up? Or writing the piece for the Dungeon Crawl? Your plan this for Friday, right? [Dungeon Crawl is a now defunct blog hop I used to do.]

I sigh at The Queen's hand moving slowly up and down my back. I hold the image of spooning with my Master in bed in my head and try to keep breathing. I just don't feel right today. It's not like I need to list what has me "overwhelmed"; you know it all. But I'm not working on the Dungeon Crawl piece- that's a "I'm relaxed and happy." How the fuck would I manage you and Vala rolling around on the sand, enjoying each other's company while I'm feeling like this. And I was already upset, swearing at the computer just doing promo... and so I'm supposed to add to my Master's feeling unwell by getting further angry because you know that dealing with e-retailers as a self-publishing author sucks? Bad plan, if you ask me.

Tommy snorts again.

You can stop snorting before I get Simon here to take care of you. I don't open my eyes to see Tommy's response to my threat, but I can feel his body's tension. I thought so. I sigh again. What of the Mandisa/Chitra stuff in my mind from what I'm doing on my blog. Any thoughts on my pondering?

Well you are rightly keeping issues separate. Chitra's lack of experience differs from Vala's. Are you trying to decide if I would throw her in the deep end, so to speak, and be hands off, both sexually and BDSM, and let Mandisa do it? Yes, you were right in your earlier thoughts that it's "canon" that Mandisa controls Chitra's training, but that's not what we're talking about here- this is during the temporary collaring period.

Along with your question, there's also the question of how Mandisa would be with Chitra. I've enjoyed showing Mandisa's growth, change in Vala's Story, but I know I'm writing prequel here. Does your question mean that I should be considering a menage scene?

That could be one thing, although remember that Jinny is already beneath Mandisa at this point; a menage scene could be with the women, not include me.

Tommy, why'd you even come along?

Well you didn't respond to The Queen's "come here," so obviously you're out of sorts and need extra help. Tommy shrugs. And to be perfectly honest, I'm feeling greedy. I want to be close to my Queen today and He didn't say no. Simon's off making an aftercare tray, I think.

I sigh, although this time it's more a sigh of longing than frustration. I wish my Master was up to doing anything that would require aftercare. But I do appreciate the wonderful scenes I got from you and he playing in the padded room. Especially the aftercare scene. I wish my gloves would arrive. Then I'd ride my bike to the store and ponder these things.

I am glad you decided against the digital recorder; I think you will do much better with a notebook, pondering until you get to the store and then putting down notes. You know I will happily keep you company, when you have started biking for groceries regularly.

Thanks. I tilt my head against The Queen's legs so I can look up at Tommy. Funny you're here now while I was thinking of you so while watching the Placebo videos. I may have listened to your suggestion to change the music I'm listening to, but I still have lines going through my head.

Of course. You can't erase your drug abuse history; it happened, even if it's all in the past.

And what of the moment in "Week-long" that you wrote with Eoin and I?

I smile sadly. Do I make that mall trip that I mentioned to Annikka? Maybe look at pretty girls I'm too shy to even talk to then? And try to write the dungeon crawl piece, because at least I can write "The Queen and Vala fuck"?

Tommy rolls his eyes at me. You're lucky your Master doesn't punish for attitude like that, like you've shown The Queen doing when it pleased him to.

Have a massage chair. Have some frozen yogurt and then see about doing some writing that you should be.

I close my eyes and breath in. I consider the tension in my body, how much there is in comparison to earlier. Sounds like an idea, if my Master doesn't say no.

So I needed to write a word cloud... I thought I'd share... this is what happened :D
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Bipolar, Aspie, Autistic, chaotic, chaos theory of organization, organization by piles, submissive, BDSM, non-monogamous, hyper-polite, social justice, learning, autodidact, technology sucks, Unitarian Universalist, atheist, sun allergic, vampire, abusive survivor, rape survivor, rebel, mouthy, angry, educator, home educator, constant panic, overwhelmed, loud music, folk music, rap, bisexual, pansexual, BDSm-oriented, noetisexual, mental life, online life, writer, storyteller, uptight, clothing performance, mom, gender, questioner, animal lover, tattooed, swearing, My Little Pony, 4, distrust, distrust of cops, activist, political wanderer, not a doormat, fierce, wrong, processing, mansions of thought, sex, sexual educator, freak, non-mainstream, gender non-conforming, long hair, balance of "natural" and chemical, med non-compliant, messy, meltdowns, "never the daughter they wanted," "produced the grandchild they didn't want," vegan, vegetarian, hypoglycemic, energy drink addicted, "wired wrong," Audrey dolly, The Queen, Vala's Story, spanking, transgender, intersex, trans-attracted, noeti-relationship, cuil, cuilmate, burden, incompetent, disabled, neurodivergent, not dating, Mx. Right, physically mostly able, impatient, appears to have unending patience, debilitating periods, distrust of any medical health professionals in the course of their job, non-gaming wife, pseudo privilege, dysfunctional, singer, can't dance in front of people but can fuck, not person-in-the-pew, lay leader, story-verses, mixing of seemingly unrelated things, Jelly Bellies, Pinkie Pie, "totally random," LGBT, alphabet soup, Intersectionality, trying to make sure I don't repeat myself even though I always do, liberal, Jamberry, stimming, needing pictures in a word cloud, anorexic, emotional eater, author, nudist, clothing optional, homemade tshirts, vulgar tshirts, characters who live in my mind, dark, pain, ache, feminist?, the wrong type of woman, sex worker, whore, second chances, serial, series, serial/series?, random humor, cry ugly, cry alone, cry where no one can see it, service, servant, the past is always in this moment, family is not only determined by blood, Anne Rice theory of erotica, goth, unbalanced, maladjusted, masks, trying to appear mainstream, trying to appear neurotypical, technological challenged, overshare, giving, TMI

So it took many days of meltdowns and stress before it happened, but I now have my own website totally under my own control. I wanted to have it ready by this afternoon so I could sign up for Saturday Spankings with my new website- sooo psst! Come back around 10:30pm EST and you'll get to enjoy some spanky fun.