My current therapist has diagnosed me as having Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); recently we discussed Complex PTSD- which is sadly still not in the DSM (the so-called “bible of psychiatry”). Yes, that diagnosis describes me well. My therapist and I have a great working relationship- we are both rather academic-minded and so we often share books, articles, topics. One idea I wandered upon was secure attachment; because of the abuse I've lived with, I'm not very securely attached to anyone, even my Master.
I wish I could remember where I'd read the explanation of “Find a person as an adult whom you can ask if they will be your secure attachment person.” Importantly (according to my source), you should ask the person if they will fill this “secure attachment person” role. My Master, He has enough of His own issues. However, Audrey suggested I ask her to file the role and she said yes after I asked her. Given that she's 69 and doesn't keep a “second shift life” as I do, she's often fast asleep by the time I go to bed a bit after midnight. So she recommended a bedtime ritual of “attaching to memories of [her].”
Both my Master and I have issues with anxiety; a friend of His bought us a queen-size weighted blanket. While at first I couldn't use it by myself- He works 3rd shift and I try to keep to 2nd shift- I've grown to find it comfortable and useful. So now my bedtime ritual is getting into the made bed (flat sheet, comforter, weighted blanket) surrounded by stuffed animals and laying on my back with my arms at my side as I focus on memories of Audrey. My mental voice meanders between Audrey's voice and my own, even as my memories work through each of my senses and sensory systems. I sometimes select specific memories, such as Audrey telling me that she couldn't spend time with me because she has other relationships to attend to, other things to do.
Now the thing that caught my attention as I was doing this last night- why Audrey, not Shaman (that's my Master's nickname)? To say “He has His own issues” seemed like a cop-out, even as I thought it and then wrote it. (Wrote it? Does it still count as “wrote” when I do my “writing” on a keyboard?) My mind started to create a table.
Physical. Nesting partner. (I had a 3rd thing, but it's not coming back into my mind.)
Virtual. Non-nesting partner. (I never did figure out a 3rd thing for her.)
Of course, Audrey made the offer; I'm still working on being able to ask Shaman for things I need that He's capable of acquiring and/or giving. As with another thing I worried, I think I have a ponder that's related to polyamory, not to the differences in Shaman's and Audrey's being.
I took to my blog to write this out because talking about Audrey in online support groups most often gets incorrect, offensive, “armchair psychologist”-type responses. Not too long ago, I ran to my therapist, upset that someone had said that they were very concerned about me and asking if I'd been screened for Schizophrenia- based on me stating Audrey's validity.
In the US, monogamy comes along with this expectation that partners should be everything to each other; I reject that notion. So why not Shaman? Because Audrey said yes.
I debated again what to share; I'm thinking next week I'm going to share one of Happy's blog posts that may or may not end up in the finished book. This week, I decided to share a snippet of Happy and Ziba chatting. While it may not seem sexy in a standard way, to me with my noetisexual orientation, it is the ultimate of arousal. So a humor, horror for the authors here- Ziba and Mairead are in Amsterdam and Dublin, respectively, Happy in Bangor, Maine, and Iovita in Georgia- I have notes to myself about fixing time zone stuff in the rewrite.
"That must be interesting, to have such a large urban area from which to choose where you will eat."
"Yes, that is nice. I am Dutch and Indonesian by birth and so I'm able to mix and match my food choices in a way that respects my ancestry and upbringing. So we were led off on the tangent of our time difference. We talked some about polyamory. Have you read much about non-binary genders from the links I gave you? Do you feel compelled to settle on a specific identity?"
"Bigender would seem to best encapsulate how I feel about my own gender. I definitely do not feel without gender, as in being agender. I keep falling back on the fact that I was assigned male at birth and it seems that in identifying as non-binary that I am trying to appropriate someone else's oppression."
"Did you by chance end up on some feminist sites from what I shared with you? Because I have to be honest- your gender presentation in the picture on your website does not show a conventional male. I would question how much access you have to any systemic privilege based on your assigned gender."
"You caught me. Certainly in the community I have lived so far, gender roles were far from as obvious as they are in mainstream US society. It was not even questioned when at fifteen that I wanted to be called Happy instead of the name my parents gave me at birth; I'm not sure... maybe that I was content to stay with he/his/him pronouns made it easier? I have been trying to remember if anyone behaved in a non-binary way, even without the label."
"And I will respond with some truth-telling of my own; please let me know if I need to define any terms for you, although I'm going to define some terms as I go. A fatwa is an Islamic religious ruling. While there are fatwas about binary transgender people, there are no fatwas that specifically deal with non-binary people as the concept has solidified currently. While that could be dealt with Muslim scholars considering the Qur'an and issuing a fatwa, I am not sure I would accept it. Too many Muslims have come to a place of rigidity where they forget that Islam is supposed to be of the current time. So all of that is to explain why I do not refuse to interact with you, being a non-binary person, as many conservative Muslims would."
So now that it's a week after I watched Happy and Iovita enjoy some BDSM, in my current writing- Happy has found comfort in the noun-self pronoun "joy," they've agreed to a safeword for her ("save"), and I'm in the midst of writing what will actually be the first time they engage in BDSM- I've coined a phrase (at least I think I've coined it)- "Parental Dom." They were talking about "Daddy Dom," how "Mommy Dom" doesn't exist as much as it should. Well Happy is bigender, so Parental Dom. All that to say, I'm sharing Ziba and Mairead with you this week because of where the inspiration picture lead me mind. Okay, so yes, I usually "queer the picture"- I'm debating if I should give gender and sexual orientation before or after the scene. :D I think after. Mairead and Ziba.
"Going to help me christen the new bed I bought for us?" Ziba stroked the length of the rainbow colored dildo resting in her strap-on harness.
Mairead's lips parted. "Gonna kiss me first, love?"
Ziba laughed as she crawled onto the end of the queen sized bed she'd purchased after she'd offered Mairead the chance to cohabitate while she went to culinary school. "Kiss you where?" She pressed her lips to Mairead's right ankle. Using the tip of her tongue, she traced a path to Mairead's inner thigh.
Releasing a gasp, Mairead finally replied, "Ugh, kissing me wherever is good."
Ziba rested her knees between Mairead's legs and lowered her weight on her lover until she was able to claim the trembling lips. "So beautiful, my love." She slipped her tongue into Mairead's mouth, exploring gently. Her nipples pebbled at the glorious skin to skin contact. She pushed her hands into the thick, coarse profusion of ink black hair that was the first physical thing that drew her to Mairead. Her genitals started to feel hot and moist beneath the nylon harness. Rolling onto her side, she brought Mairead with her, their bodies twined.
"Please," Mairead said into Ziba's kiss.
One hand snaked between them to part Mairead's labia, Ziba's fingers testing at the wetness of her vagina. She stopped kissing Mairead long enough to grab the bottle of the special new lube. Dripping it over their waists, she spread it over the dildo, between her lover's legs.
"Yes," Mairead hissed.
Ziba kissed Mairead hard as she guided the dildo into her pussy. Her wet hand returned to Mairead's hair. "Shit!" she gasped.
"Gotta co-wash tonight. Don't worry, love." Mairead pulled Ziba back into their kiss, her hands burying into Ziba's long hair, released as it was from her head scarf and under scarf. She gripped her lover's ass and gyrated against her. "So glad, in your arms."
Moaning as the harness rubbed against her clit with her movements, Ziba clung to Mairead. A small pulse of orgasm filled her clit for a moment. Her nostrils flared as she breathed in the rose of Mairead's body products, the combined scents of their arousal. She rolled her love back onto the bottom and pumped into her.
Mairead lifted her legs and rested her heels on Ziba's thighs. Her head tilted back into the pillow. She writhed against Ziba, sweat dripping down her cheeks as they kissed. "Gonna come," she gasped against Ziba's cheek.
"Yes. Love you. Like that," Ziba rambled as she joined her love in release, her hips speeding up with their joined pleasure. "Love you, love you." Her toes pushed into their bed, the sheets rumbled by their pushing.
"My turn," Mairead drawled before throwing Ziba onto her back. She straddled her love's hips and lowered her pussy onto the dildo. "That's good." She leaned back, one hand pressing into Ziba's thigh.
Ziba pressed her thumb against Mairead's clit and rubbed fast.
Mairead groaned as the pleasure continued to wash over her. "Yes, my love. Does this feel good for you too love?"
"Wonderful. Any position is perfect with you." Ziba whimpered with pained pleasure as Mairead's fingers pulled on her leg hair.
"Oh oh!" Mairead cried out with her back arching further.
"That's right. Come all over me, love." Ziba watched Mairead's eyes roll up with the special pleasure of an orgasm increased by prostate stimulation. "Love you so." She wrapped her arms around the shuddering woman who fell down onto her as the coming continued to batter her. "My beautiful love."
Turning her head, Mairead smiled at Ziba and kiss her lips. "Love you too."
So this happened :D I was getting irritated at myself for my focus on Happy and Iovita- since I'm writing a polyamorous-quad and this scene happened :D
I was just going to link you to Masturbation Monday (I created a portion of a scene with Happy dominating Iovita with text-to-speech software maybe 6 months or a year and a half into them knowing each other), but I decided I'd instead give you Happy's first blog post and talking to Iovita from my nano novel "Typing My Love." Nanowrimo current word count: 10429.
"I missed the teenage exploration in the manner it happens on Tumblr because I grew up in a commune-turned-intentional-community where many things like gender, sexual orientation, gender experience, and more weren't as seriously considered by many because of how the people lived, loved, and parented." Happy considered what Happy had typed. Do I like using my name in place of a pronoun? Happy started typing again. "When I finally left the community because I turned thirty and I wanted a change, I found I was no longer sure about my name, my gender, whether I even thought like others. It seems that non-binary explains my gender and Autism Spectrum Disorder explains my brain's ways of functioning. I'm unsure of pronoun and have taken just to using the name my parents suggested when I began to question my gender assigned by the midwife at birth, even if gender meant less in my so-far home."
Happy's four fantail goldfish completed their dancing pass through their twenty-five gallon aquarium before breaking apart from their miniature school.
"While I learned to speak as my hearing is hypersensitive, I quickly found that writing or typing what I have to communicate is most comfortable for me, that is causes me the least stress. I'm not sure what I'm doing here, although this miniature blogging platform seems perfect for a diary-type use. However, while I felt drawn to leave the intentional community that had been my succor since birth, I find I am lonely in a way I never have felt before." Happy filled out the post's details and then clicked on "publish."
The platform's instant messenger program popped up at the bottom right hand corner of Happy's screen. "Hello, Happy. My name is Iovita and my pronouns are she/her/hers. I wanted to share my excitement with you posting for the first time, even though I haven't managed to read it deeply just yet. After you created the page with its title of My non-binary pondering, I couldn't help but wait on your post."
Happy's pulse started to race so Happy felt it in Happy's throat and wrist. "Thank you for your interest. As you'll see when you do read my first post, I'm unsure about my pronouns. For now, I'm just using my name."
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When I was planning for stuff before Nanowrimo, I noticed that November 1st falls on a Wednesday this year. Ha! So I went into "But I won't have a snippet to share without breaking Nanowrimo rules!" And then I remembered that Happy still hadn't shared pronouns. And this happened (Happy's comments are in italics)...
Okay, Happy. Thanks for waiting until I got somewhere I could put my AlphaSmart down. You're white then? Blond and blue eyed?
Full of privilege until someone sees my non-normative looks. Well?
Well what? You know exactly what this is about! You told me you're non-binary but you're not giving me your pronouns. Or if you could be my Autistic character.
You had to be a smartass. Care to answer either question?
Not so fast. Yes, I'm non-binary. My hippy parents suggested the name when it felt time to come out as non-binary when I left the commune they're still living on where gender and gender expression didn't matter. I was born with blond hair, but I've had neon blue hair for several years now. I'm tall and I've been told that I'm willowy. I tend to wear robes most often, leftover habit from my childhood.
Establishing your non-binary cred? Saying that you have a typical androgynous look, like Ruby Rose? Does ze, hir, hirs suit you?
Ugh! Hirs...suit! No, I'm not hairy. Sorry, lame word play. Do you suggest ze and its conjugations because you're most familiar with it and you're offline at the moment?
Possibly, although it was mostly my first suggestion. Are you parsing thoughts or do you really dislike ze?
Ze is interesting. Might we experiment with my pronouns though? What if I'm not actually settled on a pronoun that feels right?
We could do that. I have to wonder though- are you thinking to go on Tumblr pages of pronouns that make even me scratch my head?
What did you vent today about "keep it simple"?
I know. I know. However I'm also thinking as an author; I know times I've experimented with a neopronoun set, or planned to, that the experiment ended fast. I'm not sure how respectful that is of any non-binary person. And yes, my "is this too special snowflake?" is coming up. You have to admit that you and your fellow partners are all several steps away from the mainstream.
Ah, and there you are at considering which one of us is Autistic. All of us fit your precious Vala's "Not a poster child any movement would want." Like could I be Autistic and my pronoun pondering would be like your own gender quandary?
Of course you're right. For some reason Ziba keeps coming to mind as the possible Autistic, but then I struggle to figure out the intersections of being Muslim, bisexual, and Autistic.
And me wanting to experiment with neopronouns leads you to considering if that reflects poorly on the Autistic community? Think of the Facebook pages you follow though.
Do you like what I'm seeing of your first scene?
Ha, yeah. Here's hoping by the time this has gone live on your website, you'll have gotten at least that post written.
So the names aren't new and I think I gave the additional info about characters. However this time, I did share my rough outline. Now the video has captions and a transcript- if you're somewhere you shouldn't be listening, you have options. Although other than talking about things like HRT, gender confirming surgeries, and one genital term, this is pretty all age. Yeah, not writing this week :( sorry, but there will be snippets once Nano gets started, although I'm pondering maybe a character breaking the fourth wall for next Wednesday :D
Now that I've rescued myself from looking up some ASL and getting lost in the sensuality of this scene :D . I'm making sure to get this set up early Tuesday morning so depression doesn't have the chance to derail me, like last week. And I'm trying to remember what was happening from where I plucked this snippet :D Oh right! Bea is having a bad morning- that can happen with Meniere's, which sadly has few treatments and really no cure- and so Teal is being a good, caring submissive having just helped Bea to take a bath to relax when this happens...
I gasped even as I moved toward her with the towel held out for her. She pressed a soft kiss to my lips as I wrapped her in the cotton. The smell of lavender and the musk of her played on my arousal. I returned her kiss, her lips feeling so thick and warm when I initiated the kiss.
Even as her eyelids fluttered in response to my touch, she signed, "Bed. Rub."
Quickly moving the towel down her, I dried her off as best as I could before keeping strong as she leaned on me on the way to her bedroom. Must be set up enough like her apartment that she doesn't need light just to walk. I helped her settle onto her bed and returned to the door to find her light switch. Using the dimmer switch, I turned the overhead light on to fifty percent power. I glanced at a rack on dark brown bottles similar to her bath oils on one mahogany nightstand beside her bed. Another quick look shown these bottles to be labeled just as carefully. I found the one labeled "mint" and grabbed it.
Bea plucked her shower cap off and tossed it to the floor. I arranged her hair onto her pillow as she stretched out across her bed. "All," she fingerspelled.
I poured a thin stream of the oil down the middle of her back. After twisting the top back on, I got to rubbing her back. My gaze traveled over her skin and I sighed to hear her soft moans as she clutched her pillow. The oil felt strangely cool and hot at the same time beneath my hands as I caressed her. I pressed my fingers into her shoulders, her neck.
Her head relaxed onto her pillow so her cheek pressed against the pillow.
I moved down her back and poured more oil on the small of her back. Collecting some oil with my fingertips, I stroked her hips, her asscheeks. Touching her like this makes me feel so naughty.
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It's late on Tuesday; I figured since I'm not writing, I should get this post ready. There's this post and one more beyond waiting; I'm debating whether I want to grab some of a scene I teased Meredith with- or make her wait until I finish the book and publish it. I'm continuing to study ASL and consume books about Deaf culture so here's hoping after I finish a short story, I'll be ready for more "Two Houses" writing before we get to November and Nanowrimo, which I already have a plan for.
I jumped ahead to Teal spending the night the first time at Bea's house.
Gentle shaking woke me. I opened my eyes to see Bea sitting next to me. She had pulled her hair into a wrap like Gareth's mom's silk bonnet; she smelled like extra bunches of roses. Must be her leave-in.
"Go to bed with me," Bea signed. "Don't worry about blankets now," she said.
I pushed aside the blankets and followed after her. Her master bedroom in the same place as mine, I paused when she reached in to turn on the overhead light. I rushed back to the living room and turned off all but one lamp.
"Good girl," Bea signed when I returned to her bedroom. She pointed near her closet and I noticed her walker for the first time. Her voice a rasp, she voiced, "I need you to make a habit of bringing it into the room we're in."
"Yes, Ma'am," I signed.
"Get undressed and join me in bed," she signed.
Linen socks and slacks pushed to the ground, I paused and met her gaze.
"Get undressed," she repeated with slightly more forceful movements.
I rushed to pull my shirt off, to slide my lingerie off.
"Come here," she signed.
I kicked my clothes into a pile beside the wall and walked to her on trembling legs. Gasping, I leaned gently into her embrace for a long moment before we tumbled down to her bed together.
"I want..." Her voiced words trailed off. She grasped my hip and rolled me onto my stomach. Her finger moved down my jaw, encouraging me to look at her beautiful face. "Five spanks," she signed, her eyebrows moving up as if to ask if I figured out her second sign.
Lifting my right hand and upper body off the bed, I signed, "Yes, Ma'am." I relaxed back flat to her bed, my face pressing into one of the black cased pillows at the head of her bed.
She cupped my right butt cheek. Her fingers pressed deep into my skin, into the muscle as if claiming me.
I tried to register the force of her slaps, but they came too fast for my mind to label them anything but "oh ow that feels good and too much and ow." I shuddered against the bed. I turned my head to look at her.
"Good girl," she signed. She turned off the overhead light and slid into bed before pulling the comforter over us.
Releasing my held breath, I snuggled against her. She sets how much. At least when she's not feeling well. I hoped for her to hold me. My still tingling butt pressed against her mound felt so very good. I kissed her finger when she pressed it against my lips. I pressed back against her when she wrapped her arm around my chest, the underside of her forearm pressing against my breasts.
She kissed the nape of my neck as she stroked my chest.
Feeling such peace, I quickly fell back asleep.
I think it's almost time for bed- my eyes just started to do a weird crossing thing :D But I managed to clip a few snippets from "Two Houses" so I'm less likely to miss #WipItUpWednesday :). I'm still in a lot of reading about Deaf culture; of course I've had some cross-thoughts about Vala's Story, where I have two characters dealing with hearing loss. But in "Two Houses," Bea and Teal have been cuddling on Teal's living room couch and Bea fell asleep. Here's Teal needing to wake Bea...
If she's starting to lose her hearing, does she hear better from one side? I haven't noticed yet. I tapped Bea's forearm.
"Hm?" she murmured.
"Two," I signed against her arm.
She hugged me and then signed, "Thank you." Still holding me, she moved us to sitting up on my couch. "Good girl." Her voice slightly shaky, she said, "Feeling better. Help me and my stuff to my car?"
"Yes, Ma'am," I signed. "We need a wheelchair ramp too huh?"
Maybe she can handle a little more speaking? I just don't know. I went to the guest room to see that she had already gathered up all her things. I wandered to the shower to see her hair bonnet hanging up.
From behind, she said, "I have extras. Mind me leaving one?"
I turned to sign, "No, Ma'am." My gaze dropping to her adorable feet, I noticed she'd put on her black loafers. Not going to get teary and say I don't want her to leave. "Your copy in your bag, Ma'am?"
Snorting, Bea nodded.
I followed after Bea into the living room. I stopped when she did and gasped when she wrapped her arms around my waist.
She pressed soft kisses across my cheeks, on my nose, finally on my lips. "Good girl," she murmured against my cheek.
She's guessing I'm not out to the neighbors. But my flag? We'll have to negotiate. I locked my knees for a moment when she released me. While she grabbed her messenger bag, I grabbed her wheelchair and headed out the side door. After the unlocking beeps, I opened the trunk of her small car and stowed the folded wheelchair in it. I slammed the trunk closed before moving to the driver's side door to see her already in the seat.
"Behave," she signed.
She started her car and I stepped back onto the grass.
I waved as Bea eased her car out of our driveway. Hurrying in, I grabbed my cellphone and opened my conversation with Gareth. I texted, "Sir, Bea got the home! Her closing will be on Friday. May I please call a handyman and see about quotes on a wheelchair ramp for our house?" I placed my phone of his table before moving to turn on the ASL DVD. I stretched my hands in front of me and then over my head before rolling my fists in circles. I fingerspelled, "Bea." The menu having shown up, I picked my lesson.
I was skimming "Two Houses" trying to decide what to share. A "when I edit" thought came into my head and I shared it as a Facebook status :D The status message will be a tease of sorts as I'm continuing with Teal and Gareth's negotiation in my sharing this week...
#amauthor I'm considering "Two Houses" for #WipItUpWednesday and I realized- because of the difficulties of showing ASL, including fingerspelling, in written English, it's going to be difficult if not impossible to use text-to-speech software to help in editing this book.
"I love you." He hugged me around my shoulders. "So we'll manage a sit down when I get back from the business trip on Sunday, but we need to agree on things like will my dominance or Bea's over you supersedes the other when all three of us are together. Of course you'll also need to negotiate privately with just Bea, but what about us?"
"I don't know I could use a title. For you. I mean, I giggle at all title use in erotic romance books." Licking my lips, I tried to read his lack of response for a response.
"How do you feel about kneeling to speak rather than using a title then? I like that idea." He chuckled. "And maybe you naked around the house more often than not."
"But won't taking it out of the bedroom make it less about sex?" I chewed on my bottom lip.
"Maybe, but I don't think so. Dominance doesn't have to be just about sex, although if your comfort is to keep sexual activity in the bedroom, I could order you to go to our bed."
His grin worried me. During our talking, he'd slipped out of his slacks and shirt without me exactly noticing. "I think you should pick a safe word since we haven't played so hard just yet and you might need it especially for things that happen outside of our bedroom."
"Soup," I responded without knowing why. "You didn't say. Would you like you to be important, or maybe more dominant, over Bea?"
"Hm. Don't really have an opinion yet on that. What if she and I usually agree on what's best for you?"
I bit my bottom lip.