 While I have posts written ahead, scheduled even, through July, I wanted to get this post started while it was fresh in my head. I just saw my med manager, who questioned when I said, “I'm so messed up.” Her comments went to the notion of everything I've survived and I'm still here; I admit, my first thoughts about statements like “I'm so messed up” are usually of the dark sarcasm sort. As she was walking me back to the lobby, she commented about all sorts of people need help.
Now later and pondering the appointment, including telling my daughter and Master about it, I'm thinking wider about mental health, disability activism/culture, and reclaiming slurs. After all, reclaiming slurs was the heart of my point about the people in my household- it feels like we're all in a place where “reclaiming slurs” related to the issues we have is okay. When my Master jokes that I'm crazy, I hear the affection meant in His joke, that He accepts me as I am, not as “society” or my mother might want me to be; I don't take it as unkind because He admits that He doesn't function in ways that are considered “good” or “mainstream” often enough. Is the statement “I'm so messed up” inherently negative? I really don't know if it falls under the idea of “reclaimed slur,” but it doesn't feel inherently negative to me. While I can talk about how I've survived so much, when talking about my challenges, does saying “challenges” and using terms like “neurodivergent” really change my statement so much? Is “I'm so neurodivergent” merely pretty up the phrase so it isn't so uncomfortable for others to hear? Okay, typing “hear,” my mind's now going with, “I should ask my D/deaf friends if the words mean so much in ASL/written communication. “I'm so messed up.” “I'm so neurodivergent.” Maybe it's a matter of register or situation. Although, now I look at what I typed, I'm not sure that “I'm so neurodivergent” makes sense in the way in the same way.
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