I lost my way. Seriously... study and learning and sleeping and... writing? I'm still reading and writing but it's slow going. While I have privilege and personality that's made this pandemic less difficult in many ways for me. My sweet emotional support dog, Honey sleeping in her bed in my room in the picture below, has very much enjoyed me on the couch, whether I'm being productive or not.

As I write this on Monday- I'd been debating what to blog on Tuesday, what to do in this scene I'm rewriting in "Gates of the Garden: Book Two"- twofold problem, 1) Plot lines mentioned originally had been removed and 2) Activity sandwiching the scene had the original scene being too short. I'm doing a lot of heavy work with "What would The Queen talk openly with Vala about and what wouldn't he?" And as I finish one coupling of The Queen asks-Vala answers, I find myself doubting the next couple. I played the scene in Balabolka and found it to be about 5 minutes; I'm still unsure if that's too short. I talk about the writing a little bit more in my vlog.

I want to ask opinions and I don't. Not just my main BR, but other author friends. I'm not sure what to snippet, who to ask, whose opinions I'd really appreciate and be able to use. But then I've also thought- what about all my talk in UU Lent about my virtual family, as I see The Queen and all of his? Maybe I'm not in touch with the characters enough and that's why I'm struggling? But that begs the question of what do I do to get more in touch with them.

Of course, I was feeling ranty- "what to blog"- but the rant ended up going in my vlog.

I sometimes wonder if there is some difficult intersections of things in my head, too many priorities and that causes the self doubt in my writing. Like "what would a good dom do/not do?" "Am I making Vala seem transphobic?" Social justice learning I've done since I first started the Vala's Story project was a huge piece of this rewrite.

Eventually I'll need to look at the original (currently published) copy of "Gates of the Garden: Book Two" to see what's left, what else I need to cobble into the book. Then it will be on to reshaping "Skipping Down the Primrose Path: Book Three" if I don't work on one of my other WIPs. I'm also thinking ahead to May (National Masturbation Month for which Kayla at Masturbation Monday has special contests and inspiration pictures arranged).

For the moment though, I am grateful that an author friend tagged me for a writing sprint on Facebook so having said my thoughts here, I'll go back to Gates and see if I can power through some writing without so much self doubt. First Rammstein though- maybe German music will convince The Queen to speak with me.