Journaling with characters? Yeah I need to do this and then to post it on my website. I'm feeling awful, can't manage to make sure that my freaking microphone is working! And struggling with my dictation software - gboard when it thinks I'm speaking in Polish rather than in English. Oh the technology issues. Like these touchscreen responsive gloves that don't quite work very well and at least half of that is due to the size of my fingers and that being multilingual means switching alphabets for me. I've pondered if I'm struggling to connect with my characters in part because of problems like dictation. My current work in progress has four main characters of whom only one of their names does dictation get right the majority of the time. I'd also started asking various friends and when one replied that she doesn't write fiction, well I was led to the thought of how I don't exactly process my characters as fictional people. I had half thought of setting up a Discord server just to talk to them but then I was like wait! I don't require that type of technology to connect with them. So as I was thinking to journal after an upsetting book club discussion, I began to think of my characters - four Jews is the working title- that's the number four, not the preposition and it is definitely something I have thought long and hard about if the book would only be enjoyable for other Jews, this time meaning the proposition. (Yeah, I might have edited away from some fun mistakes)

So I could start with talking to Ava, the one character who's dictation actually gets her name correct. I find that kind of intriguing given the fact that I have felt less connected to her since the beginning of this whole story.

Ava says, “and you know that shouldn't be because we are both massive overthinkers.”

I laugh and nod. I wonder what verb tense I'll use in the narrative statements between comments. “Do you think it matters, Ava?” I'm feeling the need for chaos right now.

Uri scratched behind Yonah’s ears.

I gripe, “Of course you would show up, you with your name that dictation doesn't get and that I can't easily switch to Hebrew to get your name correctly spelled that way.”

Uri kissed Yonah's nose. “Hey, I've been open to the idea of changing my name.”

I wrinkle my nose. “But how much will that actually help? As someone who is from Israel and Jewish and with the mixture of ancestry that you bring, how likely am I to find a good name for you that speech to text doesn't have issues with? And while I do interact largely with other American Jews, there's plenty of us who have names that dictation can't handle either. And I wouldn't even want to ask you to take a nickname that dictation would find easier to get correct.” Oh to dream about a smaller dog and a lack of snow. LOL

Uri reaches to pet Honey's head so I can manage to navigate back to this conversation.

I beg Honey, “Time to go home please? Not likely since I had to ask to cut the earlier walk short.” I am so looking forward to tomorrow night.

Ava clasps my hand. “This will hopefully give you more information about your sleep. And even if you find that the way you sleep is just because you're neurodivergent, better that knowledge then to not know.”

“I hope I can come back to feeling that Ava. Or to even get to the point where I feel the ADHD self-diagnosis like I do my autism. I don't know why I don't feel it yet.”

“Hm. Could you be reaching back into your teen years and how you enjoyed flipping through the DSM?”

“You could be right. I'm enjoying this book living with intensity (by Daniels, Susan; Piechowski, Michael M.) but I feel the need to read specifically about people who are both gifted and have some sort of developmental or intellectual disability.”

Uri took a bite of a falafel.

“Hey! Where'd you get those?” I demand.

“Yana made them,” he answers.

Yes! It managed their name that time.

“Have you checked to see if Rihanna has had a new album recently” Uri asks.

I laugh at the inside joke from dictation repeatedly thinking that I said Rihanna when I said Yana. (Single/Album related to “Black Panther”?)

Ava says, “I like that you aren't letting the Sun shining and making your phone unreadable lead you to just drop off the conversation.”

“I'm trying. My journaling practice and everything is so messed up by this weather and I'm really needing a lot of support, while trying not treating you like another therapist.”

A few days later and getting back to this written conversation. “If I didn't say it before, Yana, I would like you to know how much I appreciate it your company while I was at the hospital for the sleep study.”

“You're welcome.” They brush their hand over their newly shaved head. “Getting one of those fancy razors to get a really close shave is so worth it.”

Ava giggled and hugged Yana.

Why does dictation try to make anything and everything so difficult?

Lukas smirked. “Because you can only train a computer so much. Which is why things like sentient robots are still away off in the future. But unfortunately too many people either disregard or appreciate the problems that have been predicted by science fiction. So how are you feeling about your freshly shaved face?”

I reach up to tug on my beard that’s no longer there. “Ambivalent. I mean I hope someone will enjoy it but it feels like I lost a piece of safety. I noticed there still seems to be no lay leader for Friday at my synagogue and I'm unsure if I'm feeling up to it. I still feel so perplexed by leading the Mourner’s Kaddish.”
“And what were we talking about before dictation and then internet issues made it impossible for me to continue?”

Ava rolled her eyes. “We've talked about continuing conversations even when you can't get the words to come up on your phone.”

I snort. “I am feeling the stress of library books and other study I want to do while still taking the time to read what I have written of your story so far. Not so much as learning who you are as people but to see where in your past I'm writing.”

“Right,” Lukas agreed. “That was a pretty turbulent year for us in a lot of ways.:

Yana poked Lukas's thigh.

Lukas rolled his eyes at Yana. “Hey you don't have to be passive aggressive to point out how much of it was my fault. But we did end up with a chill living arrangement because of me. Joey, are you seriously thinking about getting decaf coffee for home?”

“Well the stuff at the hospital did taste good enough that I'm like okay, my morning doesn't feel as different. Okay if we're going to turn this conversation towards me I want you all too consider why my ADHD self-diagnosis doesn't feel as real to me as my autism self-diagnosis.”

Uri said, “could it really just be how new it is? And why does today shouldn't think I'm Gary?” (Yeah, I fixed that.)

“Dude I'm sorry that it's such a pain and it had been getting Yuri so good. See it just did.”

Lukas squeezed Uri's hand. “I'm going to have to second his opinion that it's just the passage of time.”

Ava shook her head. “Passage of time is simplistic. I think it’s also struggle from the fact that you are not the stereotype of either of those diagnosis. Your focus on taking in media from YouTubers who are autistic and have ADHD is likely to make a difference.”

I ask, “could it be that with ADHD, I can't think of a way that ADHD can be turned into an adjective like autism becoming autistic so that it can be used in identity first language?”

Yana scratched their chin. “That totally resonates with me. But to problematize that I'm going to remind you of how you say that you're an an autistic person who has PTSD. How is that different in terms of language use?”

“Right. There's also the problem that the created blending of autism and ADHD isn't necessarily a word that many people know and as you can see at the moment it is not something that dictation can get. Oh it is so cold. I can't wait till spring. I hope we really have spring.”

My friends laugh in their own ways with their physical bodies in comfortable California.

Ava sat up. “Is it possible that you're leaning in to thoughts of your mother's disgust firstly and the general ableism of our culture and not wanting to say something like I am autistic and have ADHD and PTSD? Especially with your thoughts on the Boomer owner of your local mall?”

“That certainly could be. While I'm enjoying the music choices I believe I will have to switch over to your playlist to get something that is not Jewish.”

Lukas snickers.

“Do you want that with or without nuts,” Uri jokes.

“Behave, boys!”

“Only if you type the word.” Lukas grins.

“AuDHD.”

​

​“Revelation isn't sealed.”
Birth: “It's a girl!”
“Joseph Christopher won't work.”
“Joelle Christine.”
1st grade: “Joelle is too pretty a name to shorten.”
Pregnancy: “I know I'm having a boy.”
July 4, age 15: “Mom, I'm questioning my gender.”
My age 40: “I'm non-binary, agender.”

What does it mean for me in partnered sexuality when most sexual orientations are focused on gender I don't feel?
I'm queer, that word that my tongue stumbled over when called on to identify myself.

Can I reclaim this wandering into hotness? Would it be as easy as jumping into talk about genitals? My mind cries for newness, something other than penis-in-vagina intercourse.

How was I, the Autistic introvert, talked into speed dating? At least, polyamorous people are welcome at this one.

“Hello, I'm Joey.”
The person stared at me open-mouthed, not introducing themselves.
“I'm not usually good at mixers, but I figured two minutes would help me control talking about my special interests. I'm Autistic.”
The bell rang; the person on the other side of the table changed.
“Hi. I'm Joey.”
“Joey?” the person echoed.
I nodded.
“Are you a lesbian?” Their nose wrinkled.
“Are you a bigot?” I replied.
“Of course not,” they protested.
“Your body language seems to disagree.”
Thankfully, the bell rang and people changed seats again.

    “Hi, I'm Joey. My pronouns are he, she, or they.”
    “Hi, Joey. I'm Pair. My pronouns are they, them. Might I ask, you appear flustered. Are you neurodivergent somehow?”
    My shoulders relaxed. “Yes, I'm Autistic.”
    Pair nodded. “Dyspraxia and Sensory Integration. Don't like that last word.”
    “I agree.”
    “Would you like to skip out to a setting more comfortable for you?”
    “Yes, please. I'd like that very much.”
    Pair got up from the table and came around to me; the organizer rushed over, her cheeks flushed redder than her poorly-applied blush. “Joey and I are done here. No need to issue refunds.”
    “But-but!” the organizer lady puffed.
  “We're removing an equal number of folx from the gathering.” Pair walked to the place we piled our belongings; I followed just a step behind. They grabbed a denim bag covered in patches like They/Them and No TERFS/SWERFS and Queer. “Where would be somewhere you'd feel comfortable?”
    “The library, but would you mind switching to writing so I can wear my headphones? They have those noisy lights that send me into sensory overload.”
    “Me too.” They waited as I grabbed my bag. “You have your headphones with you?”
   “Definitely. One partner said not to wear them and the other did.” I shrugged. “Not that I need to wear them with either of my partners.”


    With borrowed netbooks in front of us, we sat side by side in one of the new booths at the library.
    Pair typed, “This is much better. Mind I ask what's in your headphones? I'm listening to Holly Near.”
   I typed, “I have the mixture of songs my daughter and I have placed on this MP3 player. Right now, it's Korn, Thoughtless.” I pursed my lips. “I just wrote about 'conversation as sex' for Masturbation Monday.”
    “And that causes your current expression?”
    Using my thumb and forefinger like a 'modified C hand' in ASL, I pulled the corners of my mouth up and down as my thoughts tried to catch up to their question. “I wanted something new, something different.”
    “From what you've done? Or from what others are used to experiencing?”
    I released my lips to just trace them with my index fingers, as if planning to sign “Talk-with.”
    Without another comment from me, they typed, “This is our first time together; does that make it different from that other time?”
   A small smile found its way onto my lips, changing their feel under my fingertips. I sipped from the new bottle that securely held my metal straw in place for me. Yum! Guava, mango, passion fruit juice! I placed my fingers back on the home row and typed. “I think my mind is clasping at minutiae. What I find sexy isn't necessarily what others do.”
    “May I please touch your hand?”
    I nodded before typing, “Yes.”
    Their fingers moved under my palm as their thumb slid up and down the top of my hand.
   As they continued to touch my right hand, I slowly typed with my left hand, “Good.” My toes curled in my shoes. When they released my hand, I typed, “Very good.” I sipped my juice and pondered our next date.

When I was planning for stuff before Nanowrimo, I noticed that November 1st falls on a Wednesday this year. Ha! So I went into "But I won't have a snippet to share without breaking Nanowrimo rules!" And then I remembered that Happy still hadn't shared pronouns. And this happened (Happy's comments are in italics)...
----
Okay, Happy. Thanks for waiting until I got somewhere I could put my AlphaSmart down. You're white then? Blond and blue eyed?

Full of privilege until someone sees my non-normative looks. Well?

Well what? You know exactly what this is about! You told me you're non-binary but you're not giving me your pronouns. Or if you could be my Autistic character.

Or characters?

You had to be a smartass. Care to answer either question?

Not so fast. Yes, I'm non-binary. My hippy parents suggested the name when it felt time to come out as non-binary when I left the commune they're still living on where gender and gender expression didn't matter. I was born with blond hair, but I've had neon blue hair for several years now. I'm tall and I've been told that I'm willowy. I tend to wear robes most often, leftover habit from my childhood.

Establishing your non-binary cred? Saying that you have a typical androgynous look, like Ruby Rose? Does ze, hir, hirs suit you?

Ugh! Hirs...suit! No, I'm not hairy. Sorry, lame word play. Do you suggest ze and its conjugations because you're most familiar with it and you're offline at the moment?

Possibly, although it was mostly my first suggestion. Are you parsing thoughts or do you really dislike ze?

Ze is interesting. Might we experiment with my pronouns though? What if I'm not actually settled on a pronoun that feels right?

We could do that. I have to wonder though- are you thinking to go on Tumblr pages of pronouns that make even me scratch my head?

What did you vent today about "keep it simple"?

I know. I know. However I'm also thinking as an author; I know times I've experimented with a neopronoun set, or planned to, that the experiment ended fast. I'm not sure how respectful that is of any non-binary person. And yes, my "is this too special snowflake?" is coming up. You have to admit that you and your fellow partners are all several steps away from the mainstream.

Ah, and there you are at considering which one of us is Autistic. All of us fit your precious Vala's "Not a poster child any movement would want." Like could I be Autistic and my pronoun pondering would be like your own gender quandary?

Of course you're right. For some reason Ziba keeps coming to mind as the possible Autistic, but then I struggle to figure out the intersections of being Muslim, bisexual, and Autistic.

And me wanting to experiment with neopronouns leads you to considering if that reflects poorly on the Autistic community? Think of the Facebook pages you follow though.

Do you like what I'm seeing of your first scene?

Ha, yeah. Here's hoping by the time this has gone live on your website, you'll have gotten at least that post written.