How I see things:
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5/23/2025 0 Comments Plans!Sorry, video doesn't have captions currently. I need to refigure out caption-making software, which I promise to figure out soon.
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2/5/2025 0 Comments Journaling with charactersJournaling with characters? Yeah I need to do this and then to post it on my website. I'm feeling awful, can't manage to make sure that my freaking microphone is working! And struggling with my dictation software - gboard when it thinks I'm speaking in Polish rather than in English. Oh the technology issues. Like these touchscreen responsive gloves that don't quite work very well and at least half of that is due to the size of my fingers and that being multilingual means switching alphabets for me. I've pondered if I'm struggling to connect with my characters in part because of problems like dictation. My current work in progress has four main characters of whom only one of their names does dictation get right the majority of the time. I'd also started asking various friends and when one replied that she doesn't write fiction, well I was led to the thought of how I don't exactly process my characters as fictional people. I had half thought of setting up a Discord server just to talk to them but then I was like wait! I don't require that type of technology to connect with them. So as I was thinking to journal after an upsetting book club discussion, I began to think of my characters - four Jews is the working title- that's the number four, not the preposition and it is definitely something I have thought long and hard about if the book would only be enjoyable for other Jews, this time meaning the proposition. (Yeah, I might have edited away from some fun mistakes)
So I could start with talking to Ava, the one character who's dictation actually gets her name correct. I find that kind of intriguing given the fact that I have felt less connected to her since the beginning of this whole story. Ava says, “and you know that shouldn't be because we are both massive overthinkers.” I laugh and nod. I wonder what verb tense I'll use in the narrative statements between comments. “Do you think it matters, Ava?” I'm feeling the need for chaos right now. Uri scratched behind Yonah’s ears. I gripe, “Of course you would show up, you with your name that dictation doesn't get and that I can't easily switch to Hebrew to get your name correctly spelled that way.” Uri kissed Yonah's nose. “Hey, I've been open to the idea of changing my name.” I wrinkle my nose. “But how much will that actually help? As someone who is from Israel and Jewish and with the mixture of ancestry that you bring, how likely am I to find a good name for you that speech to text doesn't have issues with? And while I do interact largely with other American Jews, there's plenty of us who have names that dictation can't handle either. And I wouldn't even want to ask you to take a nickname that dictation would find easier to get correct.” Oh to dream about a smaller dog and a lack of snow. LOL Uri reaches to pet Honey's head so I can manage to navigate back to this conversation. I beg Honey, “Time to go home please? Not likely since I had to ask to cut the earlier walk short.” I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. Ava clasps my hand. “This will hopefully give you more information about your sleep. And even if you find that the way you sleep is just because you're neurodivergent, better that knowledge then to not know.” “I hope I can come back to feeling that Ava. Or to even get to the point where I feel the ADHD self-diagnosis like I do my autism. I don't know why I don't feel it yet.” “Hm. Could you be reaching back into your teen years and how you enjoyed flipping through the DSM?” “You could be right. I'm enjoying this book living with intensity (by Daniels, Susan; Piechowski, Michael M.) but I feel the need to read specifically about people who are both gifted and have some sort of developmental or intellectual disability.” Uri took a bite of a falafel. “Hey! Where'd you get those?” I demand. “Yana made them,” he answers. Yes! It managed their name that time. “Have you checked to see if Rihanna has had a new album recently” Uri asks. I laugh at the inside joke from dictation repeatedly thinking that I said Rihanna when I said Yana. (Single/Album related to “Black Panther”?) Ava says, “I like that you aren't letting the Sun shining and making your phone unreadable lead you to just drop off the conversation.” “I'm trying. My journaling practice and everything is so messed up by this weather and I'm really needing a lot of support, while trying not treating you like another therapist.” A few days later and getting back to this written conversation. “If I didn't say it before, Yana, I would like you to know how much I appreciate it your company while I was at the hospital for the sleep study.” “You're welcome.” They brush their hand over their newly shaved head. “Getting one of those fancy razors to get a really close shave is so worth it.” Ava giggled and hugged Yana. Why does dictation try to make anything and everything so difficult? Lukas smirked. “Because you can only train a computer so much. Which is why things like sentient robots are still away off in the future. But unfortunately too many people either disregard or appreciate the problems that have been predicted by science fiction. So how are you feeling about your freshly shaved face?” I reach up to tug on my beard that’s no longer there. “Ambivalent. I mean I hope someone will enjoy it but it feels like I lost a piece of safety. I noticed there still seems to be no lay leader for Friday at my synagogue and I'm unsure if I'm feeling up to it. I still feel so perplexed by leading the Mourner’s Kaddish.” “And what were we talking about before dictation and then internet issues made it impossible for me to continue?” Ava rolled her eyes. “We've talked about continuing conversations even when you can't get the words to come up on your phone.” I snort. “I am feeling the stress of library books and other study I want to do while still taking the time to read what I have written of your story so far. Not so much as learning who you are as people but to see where in your past I'm writing.” “Right,” Lukas agreed. “That was a pretty turbulent year for us in a lot of ways.: Yana poked Lukas's thigh. Lukas rolled his eyes at Yana. “Hey you don't have to be passive aggressive to point out how much of it was my fault. But we did end up with a chill living arrangement because of me. Joey, are you seriously thinking about getting decaf coffee for home?” “Well the stuff at the hospital did taste good enough that I'm like okay, my morning doesn't feel as different. Okay if we're going to turn this conversation towards me I want you all too consider why my ADHD self-diagnosis doesn't feel as real to me as my autism self-diagnosis.” Uri said, “could it really just be how new it is? And why does today shouldn't think I'm Gary?” (Yeah, I fixed that.) “Dude I'm sorry that it's such a pain and it had been getting Yuri so good. See it just did.” Lukas squeezed Uri's hand. “I'm going to have to second his opinion that it's just the passage of time.” Ava shook her head. “Passage of time is simplistic. I think it’s also struggle from the fact that you are not the stereotype of either of those diagnosis. Your focus on taking in media from YouTubers who are autistic and have ADHD is likely to make a difference.” I ask, “could it be that with ADHD, I can't think of a way that ADHD can be turned into an adjective like autism becoming autistic so that it can be used in identity first language?” Yana scratched their chin. “That totally resonates with me. But to problematize that I'm going to remind you of how you say that you're an an autistic person who has PTSD. How is that different in terms of language use?” “Right. There's also the problem that the created blending of autism and ADHD isn't necessarily a word that many people know and as you can see at the moment it is not something that dictation can get. Oh it is so cold. I can't wait till spring. I hope we really have spring.” My friends laugh in their own ways with their physical bodies in comfortable California. Ava sat up. “Is it possible that you're leaning in to thoughts of your mother's disgust firstly and the general ableism of our culture and not wanting to say something like I am autistic and have ADHD and PTSD? Especially with your thoughts on the Boomer owner of your local mall?” “That certainly could be. While I'm enjoying the music choices I believe I will have to switch over to your playlist to get something that is not Jewish.” Lukas snickers. “Do you want that with or without nuts,” Uri jokes. “Behave, boys!” “Only if you type the word.” Lukas grins. “AuDHD.” 5/27/2024 0 Comments Uri's name, and other conversationUri- are you sure you want to keep using my name even though speech to text can never get it right? And sometimes it’s taking your workaround of calling me Yuri and rendering it as Gary?
Me- Do you have any other names you’d like? Uri- Amos? Me- Hm. I think I’m willing to just deal with speech to text. Did you know your name is on at least one list of top ten names in Israel? Maybe if I switch to Hebrew when typing your name? אורי? Why did it use an aleph rather than an ayin? Uri- Does it matter at this point? Since you’ve been just using the Latin and Hebrew alphabets in this rough draft? Me- Right. It’ll be interesting to see how often- if at all- speech to text decides to use aleph or ayin. Ayin was in the siddur I looked at. Yes, every time I sing “Lecha Dodi” I end up thinking of you now. Uri- Was my name the main thing you wanted to talk about today? Me - no. I had two topics on my mind. First one, differences between LGBT fiction and cisgender heterosexual fiction. In relation to that I am most specifically thinking of graphic scenes and the fact that in your story the four of you remain queer even when doing something intimately with a partner that for those or rather for that time could make you appear cisgender and heterosexual to another person. And I've been debating how to bring that queerness out in the scenes. Or maybe it's already there because of my own queerness. Uri- so that is a lot of thoughts but I also think that you are forgetting cultural differences. Well I live in the United States now in heaven living here for a while, my formative years were spent as a minority in Israel. Have you tried finding any other books by Israeli LGBT people? Me - no and I know I need to look. Because my to be read list is not large enough LOL אורי- I'm going to say that your own queerness is probably a great start but until you read more from Israeli LGBT people there may be things that you just don't get quite right in the rough draft. But remember the rough draft exists to get to the next one! Me - yes I know. It just doesn't help much knowing when I'm actually writing. אורי- and as impactful as gender and sexuality is, it really is only one side of a person. And you endeavor to invite your characters as whole people to your graphic scenes. Me- [The next day] I found an Israeli LGBT organization (The Aguda) although I haven’t had the moment to look at it yet. [After Shabbat class] please do remind me if you catch me worrying too much over details in the rough draft. אורי- of course. Do you mind if Yana joins? Me- Yana of course is welcome but I'd like to check in with pronouns and also gender identity. And I'm sorry that I forgot to do that yesterday when we started talking. Uri- I still see myself as a cisgender man regardless of any gender presentation or roles I might be questioning and my pronouns are he, him. Yana - They, them pronouns and feeling good as non-binary. So I wanted to come today after noticing what you both have been talking about. Did my gender questioning lead you to not thinking of me in reference to the lovemaking scene you had that idea for? Me- Okay so the only thing was you didn't talk in the exchange I saw. Well actually if you want to say exchange lol it was Lucas talking to Ava and Yuri. I didn't even think of their response. And your gender questioning was not at all a part of my thoughts. Yana - That checks with your writing style. I was wondering if you had thought about how you had written conversations with us in the run-up to starting the project but that you hadn't posted those on your website nor have you leaned into many of the understandings from it. Me - I didn't know you so much at the time and maybe I had more influence on those conversations then I would like. Shrugs. I don't feel the need to go back to them. Yana - what was your second question? Me- Of course you would ask that when it's out of my mind and I can't scroll. , queerness even in scenes when the bodies might seem to make it cisgender and or heterosexual. So if that's what we talked about yesterday, what could I have been thinking about that was left for us to talk about? Yana - well you were pondering just now about writing me authentically as a non-binary person and whether or not you just wanted to put this up on your blog or if you wanted opinions first. Me- No, that wasn't the second question because both of you know how I've been struggling with feeling a need to have my hand held while I write. Yana - here's a thought, maybe the question of queerness and graphic scenes is more difficult with me because I'm not binary. Me - do you say that because you think I should try an exploratory graphic scene with you and at least one of your partners? Yana - maybe you should finish Lucas and Ava's age play scene first? Me - so have you all managed to read my note in this in between days when I couldn't summon the inspiration to write? Uri- yes and we've been talking about it. You had some rough days though, are you sure you're up to your second question? Me - and you don't ever have rough times? Ava - clicks her tongue - you don't have to get an attitude when you know he is reaching out and empathy. Me - You're right. I'm sorry, Uri. All right so I'm not going to scroll back or down to the note but work on what's in my Head. - Yana snorts - I swear today I'm going to finish this piece! So like I was talking with Beth my thoughts about allosexuality and asexuality and how that overlaps with graphic scenes I write. אורי- you are most certainly overthinking this. Your graphic scenes are only one way of knowing and learning about us as characters and you won't be stopping just with those scenes. Me - yes but - I mean it feels like I am recreating fetishizing tropes. At least that's my concern. Yana -so whether or not you envision me being in person for Ava Lucas and Yuri, I still think your scene in which I engage in self pleasure would be a good one to attempt Me- but now I feel like I'm never going to finish a scene with yet another scene to add. Ava- you just put some words down on the screen. You'll be fine. Me - I thought there was so much more to talk about with this. אורי - you just want there to be more to talk about. This conversation will be waiting and you can write other things now. Me - but what about bisexual erasure? And really erasure of anyone not monosexual? Ava - let us live our lives as you live yours and erasure will only happen in the minds of people who aren't ready for us queer. |
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