Uri's name, and other conversation

Uri- are you sure you want to keep using my name even though speech to text can never get it right? And sometimes it’s taking your workaround of calling me Yuri and rendering it as Gary?

Me- Do you have any other names you’d like?

Uri- Amos?

Me- Hm. I think I’m willing to just deal with speech to text. Did you know your name is on at least one list of top ten names in Israel? Maybe if I switch to Hebrew when typing your name? אורי? Why did it use an aleph rather than an ayin?

Uri- Does it matter at this point? Since you’ve been just using the Latin and Hebrew alphabets in this rough draft?

Me- Right. It’ll be interesting to see how often- if at all- speech to text decides to use aleph or ayin. Ayin was in the siddur I looked at. Yes, every time I sing “Lecha Dodi” I end up thinking of you now.

Uri- Was my name the main thing you wanted to talk about today?

Me - no. I had two topics on my mind. First one, differences between LGBT fiction and cisgender heterosexual fiction. In relation to that I am most specifically thinking of graphic scenes and the fact that in your story the four of you remain queer even when doing something intimately with a partner that for those or rather for that time could make you appear cisgender and heterosexual to another person. And I've been debating how to bring that queerness out in the scenes. Or maybe it's already there because of my own queerness. 

Uri- so that is a lot of thoughts but I also think that you are forgetting cultural differences. Well I live in the United States now in heaven living here for a while, my formative years were spent as a minority in Israel. Have you tried finding any other books by Israeli LGBT people? 

Me - no and I know I need to look. Because my to be read list is not large enough LOL 

אורי- I'm going to say that your own queerness is probably a great start but until you read more from Israeli LGBT people there may be things that you just don't get quite right in the rough draft. But remember the rough draft exists to get to the next one! 

Me - yes I know. It just doesn't help much knowing when I'm actually writing. 

אורי- and as impactful as gender and sexuality is, it really is only one side of a person. And you endeavor to invite your characters as whole people to your graphic scenes. 

Me- [The next day] I found an Israeli LGBT organization (The Aguda) although I haven’t had the moment to look at it yet. [After Shabbat class] please do remind me if you catch me worrying too much over details in the rough draft. 

אורי- of course. Do you mind if Yana joins? 

Me- Yana of course is welcome but I'd like to check in with pronouns and also gender identity. And I'm sorry that I forgot to do that yesterday when we started talking. 

Uri- I still see myself as a cisgender man regardless of any gender presentation or roles I might be questioning and my pronouns are he, him. 

Yana - They, them pronouns and feeling good as non-binary. So I wanted to come today after noticing what you both have been talking about. Did my gender questioning lead you to not thinking of me in reference to the lovemaking scene you had that idea for?

Me- Okay so the only thing was you didn't talk in the exchange I saw. Well actually if you want to say exchange lol it was Lucas talking to Ava and Yuri. I didn't even think of their response. And your gender questioning was not at all a part of my thoughts.

Yana - That checks with your writing style. 
I was wondering if you had thought about how you had written conversations with us in the run-up to starting the project but that you hadn't posted those on your website nor have you leaned into many of the understandings from it.

Me - I didn't know you so much at the time and maybe I had more influence on those conversations then I would like. Shrugs. I don't feel the need to go back to them. 

Yana - what was your second question? 

Me- Of course you would ask that when it's out of my mind and I can't scroll. , queerness even in scenes when the bodies might seem to make it cisgender and or heterosexual. So if that's what we talked about yesterday, what could I have been thinking about that was left for us to talk about? 

Yana - well you were pondering just now about writing me authentically as a non-binary person and whether or not you just wanted to put this up on your blog or if you wanted opinions first. 

Me- No, that wasn't the second question because both of you know how I've been struggling with feeling a need to have my hand held while I write. 

Yana - here's a thought, maybe the question of queerness and graphic scenes is more difficult with me because I'm not binary.

Me - do you say that because you think I should try an exploratory graphic scene with you and at least one of your partners? 

Yana - maybe you should finish Lucas and Ava's age play scene first?

Me - so have you all managed to read my note in this in between days when I couldn't summon the inspiration to write? 

Uri- yes and we've been talking about it. You had some rough days though, are you sure you're up to your second question? 

Me - and you don't ever have rough times? 

Ava - clicks her tongue - you don't have to get an attitude when you know he is reaching out and empathy. 

Me - You're right. I'm sorry, Uri.
All right so I'm not going to scroll back or down to the note but work on what's in my Head. - Yana snorts - I swear today I'm going to finish this piece! So like I was talking with Beth my thoughts about allosexuality and asexuality and how that overlaps with graphic scenes I write. 

אורי- you are most certainly overthinking this. Your graphic scenes are only one way of knowing and learning about us as characters and you won't be stopping just with those scenes. 

Me - yes but - I mean it feels like I am recreating fetishizing tropes. At least that's my concern. 

Yana -so whether or not you envision me being in person for Ava Lucas and Yuri, I still think your scene in which I engage in self pleasure would be a good one to attempt

Me- but now I feel like I'm never going to finish a scene with yet another scene to add. 

Ava- you just put some words down on the screen. You'll be fine. 

Me - I thought there was so much more to talk about with this. 

אורי - you just want there to be more to talk about. This conversation will be waiting and you can write other things now.

Me - but what about bisexual erasure? And really erasure of anyone not monosexual? 

Ava - let us live our lives as you live yours and erasure will only happen in the minds of people who aren't ready for us queer.

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