Journaling with characters

Journaling with characters? Yeah I need to do this and then to post it on my website. I'm feeling awful, can't manage to make sure that my freaking microphone is working! And struggling with my dictation software - gboard when it thinks I'm speaking in Polish rather than in English. Oh the technology issues. Like these touchscreen responsive gloves that don't quite work very well and at least half of that is due to the size of my fingers and that being multilingual means switching alphabets for me. I've pondered if I'm struggling to connect with my characters in part because of problems like dictation. My current work in progress has four main characters of whom only one of their names does dictation get right the majority of the time. I'd also started asking various friends and when one replied that she doesn't write fiction, well I was led to the thought of how I don't exactly process my characters as fictional people. I had half thought of setting up a Discord server just to talk to them but then I was like wait! I don't require that type of technology to connect with them. So as I was thinking to journal after an upsetting book club discussion, I began to think of my characters - four Jews is the working title- that's the number four, not the preposition and it is definitely something I have thought long and hard about if the book would only be enjoyable for other Jews, this time meaning the proposition. (Yeah, I might have edited away from some fun mistakes)

So I could start with talking to Ava, the one character who's dictation actually gets her name correct. I find that kind of intriguing given the fact that I have felt less connected to her since the beginning of this whole story.

Ava says, “and you know that shouldn't be because we are both massive overthinkers.”

I laugh and nod. I wonder what verb tense I'll use in the narrative statements between comments. “Do you think it matters, Ava?” I'm feeling the need for chaos right now.

Uri scratched behind Yonah’s ears.

I gripe, “Of course you would show up, you with your name that dictation doesn't get and that I can't easily switch to Hebrew to get your name correctly spelled that way.”

Uri kissed Yonah's nose. “Hey, I've been open to the idea of changing my name.”

I wrinkle my nose. “But how much will that actually help? As someone who is from Israel and Jewish and with the mixture of ancestry that you bring, how likely am I to find a good name for you that speech to text doesn't have issues with? And while I do interact largely with other American Jews, there's plenty of us who have names that dictation can't handle either. And I wouldn't even want to ask you to take a nickname that dictation would find easier to get correct.” Oh to dream about a smaller dog and a lack of snow. LOL

Uri reaches to pet Honey's head so I can manage to navigate back to this conversation.

I beg Honey, “Time to go home please? Not likely since I had to ask to cut the earlier walk short.” I am so looking forward to tomorrow night.

Ava clasps my hand. “This will hopefully give you more information about your sleep. And even if you find that the way you sleep is just because you're neurodivergent, better that knowledge then to not know.”

“I hope I can come back to feeling that Ava. Or to even get to the point where I feel the ADHD self-diagnosis like I do my autism. I don't know why I don't feel it yet.”

“Hm. Could you be reaching back into your teen years and how you enjoyed flipping through the DSM?”

“You could be right. I'm enjoying this book living with intensity (by Daniels, Susan; Piechowski, Michael M.) but I feel the need to read specifically about people who are both gifted and have some sort of developmental or intellectual disability.”

Uri took a bite of a falafel.

“Hey! Where'd you get those?” I demand.

“Yana made them,” he answers.

Yes! It managed their name that time.

“Have you checked to see if Rihanna has had a new album recently” Uri asks.

I laugh at the inside joke from dictation repeatedly thinking that I said Rihanna when I said Yana. (Single/Album related to “Black Panther”?)

Ava says, “I like that you aren't letting the Sun shining and making your phone unreadable lead you to just drop off the conversation.”

“I'm trying. My journaling practice and everything is so messed up by this weather and I'm really needing a lot of support, while trying not treating you like another therapist.”

A few days later and getting back to this written conversation. “If I didn't say it before, Yana, I would like you to know how much I appreciate it your company while I was at the hospital for the sleep study.”

“You're welcome.” They brush their hand over their newly shaved head. “Getting one of those fancy razors to get a really close shave is so worth it.”

Ava giggled and hugged Yana.

Why does dictation try to make anything and everything so difficult?

Lukas smirked. “Because you can only train a computer so much. Which is why things like sentient robots are still away off in the future. But unfortunately too many people either disregard or appreciate the problems that have been predicted by science fiction. So how are you feeling about your freshly shaved face?”

I reach up to tug on my beard that’s no longer there. “Ambivalent. I mean I hope someone will enjoy it but it feels like I lost a piece of safety. I noticed there still seems to be no lay leader for Friday at my synagogue and I'm unsure if I'm feeling up to it. I still feel so perplexed by leading the Mourner’s Kaddish.”
“And what were we talking about before dictation and then internet issues made it impossible for me to continue?”

Ava rolled her eyes. “We've talked about continuing conversations even when you can't get the words to come up on your phone.”

I snort. “I am feeling the stress of library books and other study I want to do while still taking the time to read what I have written of your story so far. Not so much as learning who you are as people but to see where in your past I'm writing.”

“Right,” Lukas agreed. “That was a pretty turbulent year for us in a lot of ways.:

Yana poked Lukas's thigh.

Lukas rolled his eyes at Yana. “Hey you don't have to be passive aggressive to point out how much of it was my fault. But we did end up with a chill living arrangement because of me. Joey, are you seriously thinking about getting decaf coffee for home?”

“Well the stuff at the hospital did taste good enough that I'm like okay, my morning doesn't feel as different. Okay if we're going to turn this conversation towards me I want you all too consider why my ADHD self-diagnosis doesn't feel as real to me as my autism self-diagnosis.”

Uri said, “could it really just be how new it is? And why does today shouldn't think I'm Gary?” (Yeah, I fixed that.)

“Dude I'm sorry that it's such a pain and it had been getting Yuri so good. See it just did.”

Lukas squeezed Uri's hand. “I'm going to have to second his opinion that it's just the passage of time.”

Ava shook her head. “Passage of time is simplistic. I think it’s also struggle from the fact that you are not the stereotype of either of those diagnosis. Your focus on taking in media from YouTubers who are autistic and have ADHD is likely to make a difference.”

I ask, “could it be that with ADHD, I can't think of a way that ADHD can be turned into an adjective like autism becoming autistic so that it can be used in identity first language?”

Yana scratched their chin. “That totally resonates with me. But to problematize that I'm going to remind you of how you say that you're an an autistic person who has PTSD. How is that different in terms of language use?”

“Right. There's also the problem that the created blending of autism and ADHD isn't necessarily a word that many people know and as you can see at the moment it is not something that dictation can get. Oh it is so cold. I can't wait till spring. I hope we really have spring.”

My friends laugh in their own ways with their physical bodies in comfortable California.

Ava sat up. “Is it possible that you're leaning in to thoughts of your mother's disgust firstly and the general ableism of our culture and not wanting to say something like I am autistic and have ADHD and PTSD? Especially with your thoughts on the Boomer owner of your local mall?”

“That certainly could be. While I'm enjoying the music choices I believe I will have to switch over to your playlist to get something that is not Jewish.”

Lukas snickers.

“Do you want that with or without nuts,” Uri jokes.

“Behave, boys!”

“Only if you type the word.” Lukas grins.

“AuDHD.”

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