Is He my Daddy?

Sorry ahead of this for it may wander; the subject at hand- “Daddy Doms”- is something my mind has ruminated on, like a rock being tumbled shiny in a rock tumbler. I wonder, if my Master wasn't in His late 20s to my early 20s when we met, might we have started as a Daddy Dom and His little girl, rather than the Master/slave terms that I enjoyed?

When we met, I was a new mom and working to control my Bipolar through natural (non-medication) means. While my Master and I enjoyed casual sex, I was holding out on being His submissive 'cause I was still waiting for my previous dom to contact me (he'd been living in a coffee house and it closed); after watching me get further depressed for 3 months, my Master urged me to move on. Then I called Him “Master” one time as I was coming and we took that as the beginning of my submission to Him. We've weathered a lot of life together- including what was a happy polyamorous-V that fizzled when things with my first husband became too bad.

While I don't remember the exact date when I first called Him “Master”- the “fizzled” is a nice way to summarize a relationship turned abusive and neglectful- we do know that I wrote Him a poem in January 2001. So we use that as a rough anniversary date often, even if we often round things to “We've been together almost 2 decades” LOL. In those 2 decades, I went from refusing therapy and psychiatric medication to returning to therapy under my free will, having another nervous breakdown, and then getting on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication. I've also added two diagnoses and dropped a few I'd collected over the years.

My therapist- who is one of only two therapists that I've had good, working relationships with over the 27 years I've been in and out of therapy- summarized a bunch of my problems into “You have PTSD.” We recently talked about the newer term Complex PTSD, and she agreed with that for me. The other diagnosis is one I stumbled upon with a friend's help; I'm Autistic. Or I'm “on the Autism Spectrum,” if you wanna all go with a medical notion of it. I actually prefer to say that I'm Autistic, using identity-first rather than person-first language.

Why'd I spend a big portion of the last 2 paragraphs talking about my mental health? Well, my friend Rayanna Jamison contacted me about a group and a party happening on Facebook and our conversation prompted the comment that inspired this post: Because of my C-PTSD, I think we're more Daddy Dom, even if we use the Master/slave language. I need structure, although I brat and fight it often enough. But my parents were awful adult figures for me and I did my best to hide my undiagnosed Autism; as person assigned female at birth who can speak, it's only more recent activism by Autistic people that has created an awareness that would have helped me to get a diagnosis as a child.

My Master has quite a sense of humor; my therapist has a theory that both He and I are on the Autism Spectrum, even if neither of us are trying to get an official diagnosis- He's 48 and I'm 40, after all. But yes, we both have unusual senses of humor. Mine is a little more rare to see because through all the trauma I've experienced, I've learned the bad lesson that it's never safe to show one's emotions. I really am trying to unlearn that though. But my Master always joked that He wouldn't want to be called Daddy during sex because of some silly video game; well I've managed to call Him Daddy a few times now, but it didn't glitch Him. He even joked, “You will never be able to out-weird me.”

But how much do the words matter, after almost 2 decades of relationship? I'd love to call Him Daddy more often, but in a testament to His joke, He manages to hear me call Him Daddy with no problem, but I giggle and laugh my way through even saying it. I never wanted something just like a BDSM romance novel, but something real. I think my “something real” means that my Master cares for me in ways I need Him to.

Updated with an edit: So yes, I know it's already 4:35pm in my time zone, but I'm editing now :D. I let Rayanna read this before it went live and something she said stuck, although I can't remember the exact point she made :( Maybe she'll make the comment again. But it was basically about words and titles and how they matter in BDSM.