For #TherapeuticThursday, I wrote several posts this month to get ready for Camp Nano next month. I hope you enjoy them!
Fiction or non-fiction? Sex/BDSM scene? All, both, or none of these? I admit to questioning these things as I prepared the file to write this piece; I was totally unsure about how I wanted to precede. With my work in therapy (spending time with a Cognitive-Behavioral therapy workbook my therapist recommended), I'm reminded of how my Master has encouraged me both with simple comments and BDSM orders to do what the workbook has me doing- thank goodness, since I've been able to think “Yeah, the author of the book seems like a jerk, but I'll just listen to my Master better.”
So even though I still need to approach these “core beliefs” with my therapist, I'm going to consider what/how my Master has already turned them into an affirmative statement at some point, using the power of being the dominant in the relationship to work on convincing me that my core belief is incorrect.
A. I am worthless.
“You're awesome, you know that?” “I'm so lucky that you aren't like non-gaming wives or girlfriends who make other guys feel bad about going to the gaming store.” “I love most anything you cook.” “My wife's vegan and she makes the best steak I've ever eaten.” Those are just a few things my Master has either said to me or posted on social media about me. One would look at that list and say, “Then why do you still hold your core belief?” As I ponder that question, I also think of how I have to print this out for my therapist LOL. The other thing I ponder, why did I leave them in the order I wrote them in when my therapist assigned this core belief thing to me- look ahead to section D.- that one does a good job explaining A. and B. My Master has had about 19 years now working to undo the results of my mother's abuse; sadly, I had to get to a point where I was ready to cut ties with my parents (and only did it this January before my 40th birthday)- if He thought it would have worked, He would have ordered it years ago.
B. I can't do anything right.
Reprising “My wife's vegan and she makes the best steak I've ever eaten.” Yeah, this is another “I couldn't do what my mother wanted.” She wanted a popular child, not an infamous one. She wanted a friendly child, and a studious one. My Master? He wants to hold me with He sleeps, enjoy a steak when we can afford one, enjoy two bologna sandwiches every work shift, decently clean house, and clean clothes- especially socks and underwear. Yes, His wants are practical and possible.
C. I will never be conventionally attractive.
I don't want to be conventionally attractive; my Master doesn't want me to be conventionally attractive. Hm, maybe I should have hit this point as “why do 4 of 5 points have something to do with my mother?” But like if we start with weight/size. According to an “ideal body weight” scale I saw, I should be 95 pounds; according to body mass index, I should be 103 pounds. My Master doesn't agree with either number; He's recommended, “If you'd like to lose your little belly, you should set your goal at 125 pounds. I like them small, not skeletal.” I went on my first diet at 6 years old; I followed my mother's yo-yo dieting until it become serious anorexia as a teen. Maybe one of these days, I should try to get a full picture of me :D Most of my selfies are head/chest.
D. I will never be what my mother wants.
You know, I'm not sure exactly why I put this one down. When my daughter came out as transgender back in 2015, I texted my parents, “Lose this phone number.” Because they couldn't back off, I sent a card before my 40th birthday this year, stating that I'd call the cops if they ever set foot on my property. Yes, I will never be what she wants. I'm sure a small part of me would actually like to have a healthy relationship with my mother, but that's just not reality.
E. I will never belong anywhere.
When I first seriously began to interrogate this core belief, my first thought was, “Why am I discounting my online life? I rail against people who consider online friendships, queer-platonic relationships, and romances as less than physical ones.” Of course, that might be the indirect response to this core belief; my mother is of a generation before the Internet even existed and she never became comfortable in its use even for the most basic of things- looking up a phone number? Finding show times at a movie theater? I also remember “before the Internet,” but I think part of my difference is that speaking is often painful for me so a place where I can socialize in the written word? My goodness! Yes, please! LOL
Summarizing paragraph here :D (I know, I'm not supposed to announce that or something.) Connecting this topic to my writing? If a reader considers that pieces of an author show up in most of their characters, you can locate all 5 of these core beliefs in my characters- sometimes even all in the same character. I was just trying to think of specific character examples for the core beliefs and realized that it's hard not to find a character of mine that doesn't fit into at least one category.
Enjoy a recent selfie- I'm just wearing my chest binder on the top. Ah, being agender and comfortable in my skin.